Today was spent studying in the city, I decided not to go the library because it's air conditioned and obviously I still get cold pretty easily. Last time I studied there I was pretty distracted the whole time because I was so cold. Instead I went to the shopping centre, and sat where they have little tables with powerpoints set up. Only problem was it smelt a bit like fast food and fried chicken (to say a bit is an understatement), but at least I wasn't freezing my fingers off!!

Breakfast was cereal, but my study fuel was a little different:

Apricot-coconut fruit bar, and Cherry Pie Larabar.
I really liked the Larabar, I haven't tasted this flavour before but it was yummy, and held me over well during my studying.

Next comes the iffy part. Skip over if you are likely to be triggered, etc. Although I don't really say anything too triggering (I hope). I went to my mum's work this afternoon to get a cup of tea with her. We ended up having some roast vegetables and bread at a local cafe - let me tell you, these vegetables had so much oil on them it was unbelievable. Even mum agreed. I soaked off some of it with a napkin. Afterwards, I started freaking out, and crying, about how I will gain so much because it was like two tbsp of oil which equals XXX calories which is more than the meal should have been, and generally stressing out. On my way home I still stressed out, and seriously contemplated not having dinner. I went back and forth on that issue so many times, but eventually made myself a pita bread pizza. I lay on the couch and cried afterward. I just felt (and still feel) so fat, and horrible. I keep trying to tell myself 'you won't gain weight in one day' but it's not working, I can't calm myself down.

Sorry to be such a downer. I'm just sick of this life, if you can even call it that. I want to go outside and walk, but I'm so lazy that I can't even be bothered, all I want to do is cry.



  1. Sometimes crying is all you need to do, sometimes it's the only thing you can do that will make you feel better.
    I can tell you as many times as I want to, that that oil wont make any bit of difference to you whatsoever, but that doesn't mean it will register.
    ED is horrible like that - he will lie to you and make you believe things that aren't true. He will completely blow things out of proportion, like today with the vegetables.

    You did so well by having dinner, regardless of what happened today. That proves you are strong, and brave, and capable.
    Please, don't beat yourself up. That's what ED wants. You're beautiful, and ED is not worth any little tiny ounce of your time.

    I love you,
    Eleanor. xo

  2. I've had the same situation. I'll refuse to eat dinner and my family will eat, and then later that night I'll know I *have* to eat dinner so I'll come down and make something, nobody is allowed to make a comment, I know what I need to do.

    Crying is a good release and it's also a healthy one! Let it all out means there isn't any sadness for the ED to play on, and you're in a safer mind zone!

    love you

  3. I can totally relate. I have a huge passion for chinese food and the comtemplation of mystery oils shares the shit out of me.

    I just tell myself that is is extremely healthy and nourishing for my body. And if I enjoy it so much, why shouldn't I have it?
    You need to realize that you are worth it! You are a beautiful girl inside and out who deserves to treat her body with respect =) There is no shame in crying X)

  4. i am a huge cry baby, and i embrace it. crying is a release, and even though it may get in the way sometimes there is nothing wrong with it and it is a good thing to do.
    i so glad you made yourself dinner, be wonderfully proud, you are doing this and even though its scary and filled with a million unknowns you are doing it and its great.
    keep going girl :)

  5. *hugs* I've had times when I had to have a good cry over oil issues when I ate out with my family. But you know what? It's right what you say, you're not going to gain weight in a day! Remember that oil's great for the skin and wonderful for the hair.

    It was a challenge and by no means an easy one. But you did it hun! And for that, you're even stronger than you were before you began your day! Be proud and keep your head held high!


  6. Crying can not hurt you as long as you pick yourself back up and remember oil=health for your hair and skin .
    Rationalizing things can be tough but you need to remember that you are stronger than some silly oil. oil can not harm you, amy you have no reason to be scared. ed has a reason to be scared cause you each time you challenge him, he becomes less and less apart of you.
    More amy less ed i will toast to that.

    Cherry pie larabar is great i agree :)