Sorry if this triggers or annoys anyone.

I'm honestly struggling.
I feel as though something is wrong with my mind, and like it is controlling me, and I'm tearing myself apart trying to obey both parts of my mind.

One part tried to get me to admit to a problem. I did, but my parents didn't listen, and so the other part won out. The part that says "How could you have a problem, you're not even that skinny. Scratch that, you're fat. None of your clothes look good on you, you need to lose a tonne more weight." How can the rational part of my brain compete? I tried to confess my obsession with control, mostly controlling my eating, but nobody listened, or took it seriously. The messed up part of me agrees with the people, telling me "they don't believe you because you're fat. people with eating disorders are skinny, or bulemic. you are neither of these things." 

Instead of taking joy from people saying how skinny I look, or how I've lost weight, I hate it. It makes me want to scream out loud. It makes me want to say "you think I'm skinny? I'll show you skinny."

I'm losing control, just by being so controlled. If I make one tiny mistake in my 'plan', I feel as though it is the end of the world. It's taking over everything. I barely go out anymore, or I schedule social events to be during times when I don't have to eat. I lie to people. I lie to myself.

I'm sorry to anyone offended by this or triggered, but I don't know how to cope. This is taking everything out of me, and changing me into a different person.


  1. Oh sweetheart... Hang in there okay? It's a very brave thing just to be able to start talking about it.

  2. I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time! I hope I don't offend you, but I think that counselling could really assist you, just having someone to talk to and offer you some suggestions. It can't hurt to try, right?

  3. Oh, honey. I had picked this up from the way that you talked about food. To admit that you have a problem is hugely brave and difficult. Naming it here is a very powerful thing to do.

    Control is the very root issue of many eating problems. It is completely pushed and enforced by our screwed-up society and its complete scrutiny of women, particularly young women. Please try to avoid media and people who push and reinforce the messages that are hurting you. If you don't, please remember they are either selling something, which they can't do unless you feel bad, or have been brainwashed by a society that thrives on selling things to unhappy people.

    You are a long way from being the only one with this type of issue. Both of my sisters had eating and body image disorders, as did several of my husband's nieces (some diagnosed, some not). Please don't feel alone.

    I'm sure that your parents love you and don't want you to be ill. They have probably been resisting this knowledge for a long time, because they are scared. I saw this with my mother and brother-in-law. It's like they hope that by ignoring the issue, it is not real and not causing pain and danger to their loved ones.

    Please, please don't hate on yourself. You are brave and amazing to seek help. You deserve good things, so keep seeking the help you need. Please keep telling that negative voice that it is wrong and that you are an amazing, compassionate, insightful person. Your dress size is not your worth. You can and are helping animals with every choice and can do amazing things.

    If ever you need someone, please know that there are people out there for you. There are help lines and people like me who are happy to talk as non-professionals. If you can persuade your parents (or go alone, if that is possible) please try to get professional help.

    Mostly: ((((hugs))))

  4. Thanks everyone for your comments. I think it's because I naturally have an obsessive/controlling personality, it just naturally decided to grasp food as the next obsession, or thing to control. It's just hard to admit a problem without sounding really vain.

  5. Dear Amy sweetie, I hope you are feeling better today.

    ED is a liar - it tells you lies. It thrives on deception. Don't believe in what it says. I'm very very sure that you are NOT fat . No Amy, don't listen to what ED says. Tell it to shut the F up!

    You need help Amy. Don't ever ever deny yourself help. Talk to a psychologist/psychiatrist (specialised in ED) whoever you prefer. They will never judged, never! Don't prolong recovery. I used to not seek help when I knew I need it, and I regret not doing so DEEPLY. So, I really do hope you're helping yourself. You deserve to be free. You deserve to live. You are the one who is responsible for how you live your life - noone else, not your friends, not your parents, but YOU. So take charge Amy! Do what is best for you! I'm doing so, and there is no reason why you shouldn't!

    :) Many hugs + kisses to you.

  6. Oh, Amy. I wan to give you massive hugs! Other people who have commented here have expressed my thoughts here far more eloquently than I could ever hope to. I think you are incredibly brave for coming forward, never be ashamed to tell someone when you have a problem.