Sorry if this triggers or annoys anyone.
I'm honestly struggling.
I feel as though something is wrong with my mind, and like it is controlling me, and I'm tearing myself apart trying to obey both parts of my mind.
One part tried to get me to admit to a problem. I did, but my parents didn't listen, and so the other part won out. The part that says "How could you have a problem, you're not even that skinny. Scratch that, you're fat. None of your clothes look good on you, you need to lose a tonne more weight." How can the rational part of my brain compete? I tried to confess my obsession with control, mostly controlling my eating, but nobody listened, or took it seriously. The messed up part of me agrees with the people, telling me "they don't believe you because you're fat. people with eating disorders are skinny, or bulemic. you are neither of these things."
Instead of taking joy from people saying how skinny I look, or how I've lost weight, I hate it. It makes me want to scream out loud. It makes me want to say "you think I'm skinny? I'll show you skinny."
I'm losing control, just by being so controlled. If I make one tiny mistake in my 'plan', I feel as though it is the end of the world. It's taking over everything. I barely go out anymore, or I schedule social events to be during times when I don't have to eat. I lie to people. I lie to myself.
I'm sorry to anyone offended by this or triggered, but I don't know how to cope. This is taking everything out of me, and changing me into a different person.