Last night my mum and I had a long conversation about things. Things in general, as well as my feelings. Some of you may know that for the past three months I've been living with my grandparents, as well as my mum, who I normally live with.
Of course I love my family, but my grandma can be very analytical and critical about everything I do, wear, or, as it has come to light lately, eat. She never seems to be happy with me, and I always feel upset or flustered after talking to her, because she seems to want to turn every conversation into a form of argument. She also can make quite harsh comments that stick with me a while. If I say I'm cold, for example, (this happened yesterday), she'll say it's because I have no fat on me. When I'm cooking something to eat, she always asks what it is, then proceeds to turn her nose up at it or make some other comment. She's good friends with my great-aunt - who has a daughter, my cousin, who is the same age as me who I'm close friends with - and constantly tells me how S does this, and S does that, and oh my S is just so perfect and why aren't you like her?
I remember, back when I had lost a bit of weight, but was just down to a healthy weight, she would still poke my stomach and say "you just need to get rid of that tummy now". It's like, when I was overweight and healthy she would make horrible comments, and now that I'm the way I am now she still makes those comments. What will ever make her happy? I doubt anything will. And living here, where I'm home most of the time at the moment because school has finished/I had lots of spare periods, and she only works twice a week, I just feel so....isolated. And my mum has been focusing on her new job, and hasn't really been home that much, so I feel alone, and suffocated, and isolated, and upset. I told her this last night, and I actually got quite upset when I told her pretty much what I just told you guys - that she makes hurtful comments, and makes me feel inadequate. We hugged for a long time, and she apologized for not being around, and reminded me that her and I are a team, and that it's always going to be her and I, no matter what. This made me feel more reassured, and I felt a bit better.
Thank goodness we're moving into our short-term place on Saturday, is all I can say. I think that recovery will be so much easier without all the problems here.
<3 Thanks for reading my long rant, I love you all.