This may be triggering.

 I hate parties. I never used to, but now I do.
People kept saying how they couldn't recognize me, how different I looked. One of my great aunties actually said "you look good, but don't lose any more. you've lost too much, you can't lose any more." That annoyed me so much, and made me so angry for reasons I can't even explain. And the whole night I was freezing, I couldn't seem to get warm, and my family friend C kept saying "you need some body fat, then you'd be warm". Ed loved this, and told me I have way too much body fat.

I ate so many nuts last night, when I got home I felt horrible, and I literally looked pregnant. This morning I tried to eat normally, so I had some porridge and a banana. Then mum and I walked into the city and stopped for lunch. We shared indian food, and I wish I hadn't have had it. I hate eating things when I don't know what's in it, and I was screaming on the inside to stop, just stop eating. We went shopping. Then on the way home we shared a blueberry muffin. It tasted so good, but I don't know. It's like I can't even enjoy normal food anymore because ed screams at me. I walked so much today, but I couldn't justify eating what I did.

Before, I didn't mean to do it, but I body checked. I looked pregnant again, and I actually started to cry. I felt so hopeless, as though the last two days of eating have made me fat again, made me go back to where I hated being. I just want to run, but I can't run, because I can't breathe properly when I do. I just want to burn everything I ate today, and do some sit ups or something, but I can't ever do sit ups for a long time without my body going spastic.

I don't know, I don't know what to do. My brain says it's just an off day, but ed says restrict restrict restrict tomorrow.

I can't do this much longer.

Sorry if this triggers anybody, I really am sorry.


  1. Ed always shows up at the wrong time and puts his nose in something that is not his and i will tell you what is not his is this case..its your life and your happiness. stay strong

  2. *great big hugs* I wish I could do or say something to make it all better. The fact that you are talking about it, coming forward about it, is a huge and brave step. Perhaps finding someone to help wou with couselling? There is nothing at all wrong, strange, crazy or shameful about seeking help. In the meantime, try and remember all the wonderful things.

  3. I think it's great that you are getting these thoughts and frustrations off your chest by posting online. It sounds like you are going through a horrible time!

    It sounds like ed seems to like it when others comment on your weight, are there times/situations/people that ed doesn't like, or when ed isn't hanging around? Have a think about it and I would suggest trying to do everything that you can to stay around people/situations that keep ed away.

    With the counselling comment, sometimes you need to try a few counsellors before you can get one that suits you. There are other resources too that might help like beyond blue or lifeline if you want to try talking to someone online or over the phone first. It is a good idea though to try to get help asap before ed gets a good hold of you.

    Hang in there, I am sure that eventually you can beat ed and come out stronger, happier and healthier!

  4. (((Hugs)))

    At least you know that this is an ED, not you, not reality.

    Even if you have a little bit of bloat, no-one who cares about you will see it as diminishing your worth. Most people will not notice at all.

    I second Kristy's comments. Please call someone like Lifeline, Beyond Blue or Kids Helpline.

    Please tell this ed that those thoughts are wrong, unproductive and hurtful. Reject them if you can.

    You are strong, compassionate, a good writer and a wonderful person. Be strong, healthy and happy.